Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as R-A-P-E (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be R-A-P-ED can apply to management to be eligible for the S-H-A-F-T scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been R-A-P-ED and S-H-A-F-T-ED will be reviewed under the S-C-R-E-W program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be R-A-P-ED once, S-H-A-F-T-ED twice and S-C-R-E-W-ED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been R-A-P-ED can only get A-I-D-S (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or H-E-R-P-E-S (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have A-I-D-S or H-E-R-P-E-S will not be S-H-A-F-T-ED or S-C-R-E-W-ED any further by management.
Persons who are not R-A-P-ED and are staying on will receive as much S-H-I-T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of S-H-I-T it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S-H-I-T, please bring to the attention of your supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the S-H-I-T you can handle.